Stay-At-Home-Momfessions

I am a stay-at-home-mom.

A stereotypical, early 30's, wine-drinking, leggings-wearing, mombun-rocking, eye-bag toting, mess of a woman. And as much as we like to pretend it's all Pinterest crafts and avocado toast, that's a bit of a load of crap.

I abuse screen time, mostly so I can sneak in my own screen time. Baby goes for a nap, and suddenly it's Netflix and leave-mommy-alone time. I could do a craft, or bake some cookies, or practice their printing, but sometimes, I just want to scroll Instagram and pretend my life is that neat and tidy. Because it’s not, and I kind of wish it was, but I don’t have the ambition to make it happen.

1. I am often really lonely. All the time, surrounded by children, and I am lonelier than I think I've ever been. Being a SAHM is isolating, and social-life-crippling. Leaving the house with kids, and finding a house that wants to host us is a feat, and cleaning our own house enough to make it new-guest-worthy is damn near impossible. I don't want you to come over and never want to come back, so I'll probably never invite you over to begin with.
2. A lot of the time, I'm bored. 100%, out-of-my-tree bored. Like if I was 7, I'd be whining to my mom to find me something to do, bored. Being a SAHM is sometimes mind-numbingly monotonous. It's repetitive. The same snacks, the same songs, the same toys. It's like watching the same episode of Paw Patrol on repeat for 3 straight years. With the occasional Super Why thrown in, just for good measure. Literally.
3. I miss my "real job". I miss being an active member of society. I miss feeling like I am doing something important. I miss seeing adults every day, and eating lunch without having to tend to tiny humans who can't pour their own milk. I miss using the bathroom in peace. I even miss staff room coffee. I miss my old life. I’m lucky enough to get to also work from home, and help to support my family that way, but there’s just something about not having to wear pants to work that kind of makes you feel like you’re not really working.
4. I eat 90% of the candy and treats you give my kids. Halloween candy, Christmas chocolate, Valentine's Day and Easter treats. Even parade candy, and birthday party loot bags. All of it goes into one big bowl kept in a top cupboard, and I generously distribute it as I see fit. Mostly, that means I eat smarties while I make my coffee, and every week or so, I slip one to my current favourite child. But mostly, if you give my kid a treat, know that you’re really giving it to me. Firstly, because the sugar rush in them isn’t worth it. Second, because I have no self control.
5. I'm very non-specific about my friends. Read point 2. If you're the kind of person who will host, or not judge my mess, I want to be friends. As long as you can keep your unsolicited advice about my questionable parenting to yourself, and don't send bitchy texts about me to your bestie, I'm there. I'll bring coffee. Or wine. Chocolate. Whatever you're into. I can even smuggle some candy out of the treat cupboard if you're having an exceptionally shitty week. I don’t require you to wear real pants, I don’t care if you have a bra on, and I’m 100% not judging your parenting.
6. I'm a little bit lazy. If I've parked my ass with a coffee and a blanket, I'm probably not moving until that mug is needing a refill. So, if the kids need a drink, or a snack, or a new pair of pants, they're probably on their own. They can effectively get their own fruit, fill their own cups, and open any assortment of semi-healthy snacks. If no one is crying, bleeding, or up in my face, they're pretty much free-range. I call it "fostering independence," but mostly, it's just that I want to finish my coffee. Sometimes, I even yell to Alexa to turn up the heat. I’m not even ashamed of that.
7. In some ways, I resent my husband. His freedom, and nonchalant ways. The way he gets up, gets ready, and leaves for work without a care in the world. His ability to sleep through the night. His job, and the fact that he gets to work outside the house. I know I am beyond lucky that I get to stay home and raise my kids, but there are definitely days when I'd love to trade him places. Let him cook the meals and negotiate the tantrums, open the snacks and wipe the butts, make the crafts and dodge the mama drama. But, he’s also got to wear real pants, so...
8. I am a mom first, and everything else second. I've become incredibly skilled at skipping showers and meals, wearing yesterday's jeans, and functioning on zero sleep. I give up my last bites, favourite blankets, and every ounce of my energy. My kids come first, always. Even when I'm tired, or touched out, or just need two minutes. My kids always come first. Before me. Before my husband. Before anything else. And sometimes, it’s NOT what I want, but they’re worth it. Even on the hardest of days, they’re worth it.
9. I know this is temporary. I know this my short-term. My here-and-now. I know I'm actually going to miss this, and that someday I will have my old life back. I am okay with pausing my life, for this, because some day, not too far away, I'll have all the time that I can handle. And my house will be clean, and my laundry folded. I'll write that book I keep saying I want to write. I'll update their baby books and try to remember why this stage was so hard. I'll look back, and I'll crave these days.

I am a stay-at-home-mom. It's probably the most important thing I'll ever do with my life. It's probably the only thing I'll ever do that really matters. It's thankless, and unforgiving, and exhausting in all ways, but it matters.

I matter.

Even when I feel like I don't.

 

Kelsey Kitt is a work-at-home-mom of three in northern Alberta. When she’s not chasing kids around, she is also a freelance copywriter, wine lover, and Parental Guidance content creator. You can follow her and all her family’s adventures on Instagram at @mommydoesntlie.